Joys of PMS
by Fyyrrose
Summary: Moody, cranky... not bloody likely. It’s predatory monster syndrome. [Drabble] All the warning you need is in the title.


Title: Joys of PMS

Author: me and a bit of help from my beta EEevee

Summary: moody, cranky… not bloody likely. It's predatory monster syndrome and men are the prey.

Rating: M for safety … and well the imagery

Genre: psychotic

Notes: ….not for the faint of heart. You will either go "right on sister" or go, "you're psycho". In doing so, you will find out if you are the meat or the meat-eater. Enjoy!

Thanks to my dearest E who filled in the holes of my tunnel vision!

* * *

_There are only a few days of the month where females turn from Mother to Bringer of Death and Destruction. In the Hindu pantheon, there's a goddess called Kali. She has a counter aspect called Kali-ma… _

_Kali is the sweet natured mother that will protect her children and followers at all costs; she is the epitome of what a woman should be… _

_But when the other part of her comes out to play, Kali-ma, she brings death and destruction of everything with her dance… _

_The skulls sitting around her neck clank and grind against each other as blood and debris are splattered and caked on her 'accessories'… _

'_What the mother givith can takith away'. This myth serves as a reminder to men that while women are loyal and fulfill their servitude, for the majority of the time, without complaints, beware the few days when Kali-ma comes out to play._

Nanao closed the heavy book with a thud. The fine layer of dust coving the book became air borne and she coughed as the fine powder filled her nostrils. She knew of a certain captain that should learn this lesson.

She gritted her teeth as she felt the stabbing pains in her lower abdomen. She wondered for a brief moment if Mayuri needed another female uterus for his experiments because she would gladly give him hers. Hell, she'd even do it with a smile on her face.

She grabbed the end of the table as another wave of pain flew through her lithe body. She just wanted to grit her teeth and bear with the pain, but ended up biting the inside of her lip instead. The coppery taste of blood filled her mouth. The pain in her lower regions seized for a moment as the pain in her lip momentarily distracted her. It didn't last long. Soon the primary pain came worse to make up for the second of relief.

She was sick of seeing the fourth division. She was sick of hearing the comments at how she was weak because of 'Mother Nature'. She wanted to rip out their testicles and ram it down their throats and asked how they felt. She wanted to jam a few spikes into their testicles and asked if they could live with it.

Men were stupid; they wouldn't be able to handle this pain. They would cry like a baby and crumble under the pain. Even a thousand needles being jammed into various places on the body couldn't begin to describe this pain. They even practiced the needle thing, they called it Acupuncture, and expected money for their 'services'.

Why couldn't she be like the other females, the ones who didn't suffer, the ones that were flippin' happy and emotional? She had to be part of the psychotic group that freaked over anything and everything that didn't go the way she wanted. She was emotional and erratic and loathed not being in perfect control. She hated estrogen; it messed with everything.

Nanao could feel the pressure build up inside her. She didn't know if she was going to experience another wave of pain or if she was going to explode and kill everyone. She wasn't one for violence, but the thought of seeing another person's red dripping blood on her was somewhat appealing. So long as it wasn't hers. She'd seen enough to last several lifetimes. She needed her blood, it was important. She wanted to live, and yet it managed to flow from her every month whether she liked it or not.

She knew of a certain captain that she would love to see that happen to too; last time he saw blood was when he got a paper cut. She prayed every night that even once in their life, men experienced this kind of debilitating pain. She fished into her pocket and pulled out a bottle of little white pills. She took three from the container and closed the cap. The directions said take two, but those directions were written by men. She needed three.

Why did they take so long to kick in? She heard that there was a liquid pill, but the fourth division felt it was a 'useless expense'. Pills that work faster were useless? She could feel her blood boil. She needed to give these papers to her captain then hide for the next few days until her body returned to normal.

She felt a cold feeling run down her back. She knew without looking it was her captain, and whatever caused him to find her out was a good indication that it wasn't good.

"Nanao-chan."

She took a deep breath and turned to face him. She adjusted her glasses in order to take her mind off the vision she had of ripping out his vocal cords. Instead she stared blankly at him. There was an ulterior motive if he bothered to seek her out. She opened the book and handed him the papers. "Here."

Without saying another word, she turned and left. She didn't want to know, so she didn't ask. Asking meant wanting to know and wanting to know meant you cared. Right now the only thing she cared about was a hot bath and more pain killers: enough to knock out an elephant. The other option would be a baseball bat, a firing squad range, and only males lined up like sitting ducks in a row. She quietly cackled at the thought.

"My dearest Nanao-chan! So there you are. Were you hiding from me? I have a tinnie-tiny favor…"

Nanao stopped, turned and glared daggers at her captain. "No."

"But Nanao-chan, I have to go out fishing with Jyuu-chan and this meeting is in the way."

Nanao's lips were pressed tightly together, forcing herself not to tear her precious captain to shreds. "No. I have things I must do."

"My little Nanao-chan is going drinking?" He asked hopefully, "But you still shouldn't shrink from your work. You should go to this meeting for me."

"No, because if I go, I will lose all your sake requisition forms for the next year, and the next time you need a slight trim, I'll use a straight razor and forget which end I'm shaving. Oh, and I might slip a little; I mean after all, I'm just your subordinate and I do make mistakes." Nanao's tight lips formed into an evil grimace. She pictured the smooth razor slipping and slicing through other anatomical parts.

She almost wondered if the twelfth division captain had ever dissected a penis before. It would be her first but she would enjoy and record every observation. She almost cackled at the thought. She really needed to walk away. She was the picture of calmness, just not today.

"Are you feeling alright Nanao-chan?" Shunsui took a step back, peering at her cautiously.

"I am just peachy keen." She snarled through clenched teeth.

"Did you come down with something because I'm worried now. If anything is the matter, you know you can count on me."

"You think something is wrong with my mental state of mind? If you want to help try getting the fourth division to order some liquid pain killers, and if you're so bent on helping, go to your meeting because I'm taking the rest of the day off."

"But whhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy Nanao-chan?"

"I'm P.M.S.i—"

Shunsui paled slightly and hastily took a number of steps back, "Take the rest of the week off too." With that, he managed a breakneck retreat, as if his vice-captain was going to tie him up and use a hot spoon…

Sometimes being a woman had its advantages…


End file.
